| Cheltenham's local 'rivals' - Gloucester Shitty | |
Gloucester City are widely regarded as The Robin's closest rivals, given their close proximity to each other and their battles on the pitch during our non league days. In reality, the rivalary is nowhere near as great as it used to be as the two teams haven't played a competitive league game for over a decade. However, with Cheltenham's relegation to Coca Cola League Two and The Tigers promotion to the Blue Square Conference North, there is now only one division separating the wo teams. During the 2007 floods, Gloucester City's ground (Meadow Park) was swamped by the neighbouring River Severn, with the flood water reaching the crossbar. Whilst Cheltenham fans appeared to show sympathy toward our neighbours, internally we were pissing ourselves with laughter...which turned to sidesplitting hysterics when news broke that the club would have to play in the Blue Square North division following their promotion (resulting in lengthy trips to Blyth, Gateshead and Gainsborough!). |
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| Why else do Cheltonians despise Glaaaarster?
Well, it is undoubtedly one of the chavviest places you're ever likely to encounter. For anyone thinking of visiting, we've compiled a list of chav locations and habits, to help you prepare and maybe avoid the worst bits. You can find chavs anywhere and everywhere in Gloucester, although they seem to avoid some of the historic buildings (they don’t waste time sightseeing when they could be shoplifting). Just walking around the town centre will sooner or later lead to an encounter with one of these antisocial organisms. They will either shout abuse (from a safe distance) or hassle you for “money for a phone call”. As the only function that chavs are capable of doing with a phone box is urinating in it or smashing it, this is presumably chav-ese for “I ran out of money for cider/cigs/drugs, so I want yours”. However, some areas are slightly more chav-infested than others. Here’s a quick guide to the places that are best avoided: The bus station - always a favourite of younger chavs. The chavlings don’t actually go anywhere, because they deem the possible destinations offered by Stagecoach even more boring than sitting around in a cold, malodorous bus station smoking and trying to buy White Lightning from the One Stop Shop. Slightly older chavs can cash their benefit cheques at the “Money Shop”, spend it on Fosters, and then piss all over the floor in the nearby public lavatory. Innteraction - a club that looks like it’s been expensively done up to match the chav definition of ‘classy’. Surrounded most nights by a crowd of staggering, drooling chavs and screeching chavettes. The 24-hour ASDA - just across the road from Innteraction - it’s a chav haven at the best of times, but late evenings will give you the chance to meet the drunken chavs who stumble (or get thrown) out of Innteraction and go in search of more cheap lager and people at whom they can yell incoherent taunts in chav-ese. Liquid - an old swimming pool that’s been converted into a nightclub. The only time I’ve been in there, there was no actual beer available at the bar, just alcopops and one type of lager - Stella Artois, one of the canonical chav drinks and the only known beverage that tastes better after you’ve pissed it out again. Wilko's - sells chav toiletries such as Burberry aftershave and Charlie bodyspray - which is locked in a cabinet due to the objection chavs have to paying for stuff. Cash Converters - presumably where the chavs go to offload the tat they nick from other chavs, or to get some quick lager money by flogging off the kids’ playstation or xbox. All of Eastgate Street - one half of the road is made up almost entirely of dingy bars and kebab shops (in approximately a one-to-one ratio). It is infested with chavs all day long, due to the Argos superstore and easy availability of fried chicken, but evening brings them out in huge annoying swarms. Like gnats, except that gnats can walk without spitting after every five paces. The standard chavmobile, consisting of a clapped-out Escort covered with bits of plastic to make it look like a rally car (from a long way away, to someone who doesn’t know what a rally car looks like), is as popular as ever. There is a ratio of two sets of alloy wheels to every three chavmobiles, because, at any given time, one of the chavs will have had his wheels nicked by one of the other two. The back end of the chavmobile must have a spoiler that resembles a microlight aircraft, and there must never be more than five millimetres of clearance between the road and the cheap plastic bodywork. There’s even a chav motorbike somewhere in town. It’s a pathetically underpowered, tatty rustbucket, but instead of actually getting it fixed, the owner has chosen to spend his money on putting blue lights underneath. Chav gardening - ordinary suburbanites place garden gnomes and decorative planters around their well-tended front gardens. Gloucester chavs will instead decorate their concreted-over front gardens with broken kitchen appliances and old mattresses, to provide an optimal environment for growing rust and fungus. The aforementioned Ford Escort with a glued-on spoiler the size of a hang-glider will be parked at the roadside for other chavs to masturbate over, so the never-used driveway will be blocked with a rotting chipboard TV stand or an abandoned bath. So there you have it. Don’t say you weren’t warned. |
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